For the past few weeks, I've been feeling unsettled, which is noticeable at night. I wake up almost like clockwork now from 2 to 4 AM. After laying in bed for what seems like an eternity and listening to my husband, John, softly snoring beside me, I quietly get up. I walk to my sons' room and sleepily smile at how peaceful they look. I think to myself how fast the years have gone by. I remember when my sons were babies and woke up every couple of hours to feed. I remember how restless I felt those nights and how I'd stay up and watch them even after they went to sleep. The fear of SIDS made me anxious. Those sleepless nights seemed endless. But nights like these are a different kind of unsettled, restless, sleepless night.
After ensuring the boys are okay, I go downstairs to my favorite spot in our home - the dining room with the big bay window overlooking our front lawn. I think about the past few months and contemplate the big decisions I must make soon regarding continuing my education and career choices. I wonder if there's another mother out there who is wide awake and is in a similar situation. Is this how every former stay-at-home mother feels once her children are older and she returns to the workforce? Is there another mother wondering if she should go into a completely different field or stay in a position she's already familiar with? Is there a mother out there who is slowly realizing what she wants out of her job or career? Is there a mother out there wondering how she will balance all the appointments, events, and kids' extracurricular activities and everything else that comes with being a wife and mother while also having to plan out time to study for her master's degree and complete assignments? Is there a mother out there weighing all her options while feeling grateful and overwhelmed about those options?
As I consider all my options, my conflicted feelings about them emerge. To ease my mind, I make hot chocolate and hope my favorite drink will soothe me. Just as I take the first sip, I feel strong arms wrap around me.
John quietly asks, "Can't sleep again?"
"Yes," I say.
He nods and reminds me that everything will work out in the end. We talk for a few more minutes, and I finish my hot chocolate before we go back to bed.
Before I fall back asleep, I realize I need to give myself some grace and be kinder to myself. I remind myself that although having too many options can be overwhelming, taking time to research those is okay. I'm learning new things about what I want career-wise.
I think of what my husband said to me. Everything will work out in the end. This replays in my head until I inevitably fall asleep. Although I'm sure there will be a few more sleepless nights, for now...I feel content. I feel at ease.
This post is part of a blog hop with Exhale - an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to view the next post in the series "Sleepless."
Photo by Fabrice Villard on Unsplash
